New Holiday

I am proposing that a new holiday be instated in North America. It will be similar to Passover or Hanukkah in that it will span multiple days. I am proposing mid-April to early June. Here is how I propose that it be celebrated.

1. Increased hair length or amount of hair will be how we honor the gods of this holiday. Therefore, no one, male or female, should shave during this time.

She's single, guys!
2. People can continue to go to work and attend school during the day, but all activities be ceased by 7PM Eastern Time (approximately sundown, but probably closer to dinner time...or tea time on the West Coast) in order to spend time with family and friends celebrating the holiday.

3. As the celebration may be too intense for some, it should be broken up into smaller periods of time with a "breather" in between each one. The suggested amount of celebrating time is 20 minutes, with about 17 minutes of rest time. Upon experimentation, 20 minutes of rest was too long, but 15 minutes was not quite long enough. Thus, it was determined that 17 minutes would be best. Each nightly celebration will consist of three 20 minute periods of celebrating.

4. Some may choose to celebrate longer and this will be permitted so long as they continue to follow the "20 minutes on / 17 minutes off" rule.

5. The celebratory food and drink is to include beer in large quantities, six pizzas (one to be consumed every twenty minutes for an hour...the other three are for those who would like to celebrate beyond the required time), and a pound of Skittles per day.
6. Frequent prayer to the gods is strongly encouraged. Pray for the unbelievers. Pray for those who couldn't make it through the whole holiday. Pray for each other to stay strong and dedicated to celebrating the holiday every day until the end.
I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo T-shirt
because it says I want to be formal,
but I'm here to party.
7. Those who fall away from their faith in the gods and discontinue their celebration of the holiday will be subjected to playing golf until September.
Worked out well for Tiger
8. The final day of the holiday shall be the holiest. After all, its a whole year until we celebrate again. In order to commemorate its most holiness, we shall all drink out of one giant chalise. This will also give much pleasure to the gods of the holiday.
I found this one antiquing today.
Would serve its purpose until we could find a better one.
9. And all the people shall say, "Gretzky is Great, but BizNasty is Better"


The Wanderer said...

I pretty much died reading this. What the heck kind of drug were you on?

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